[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
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Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.