Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
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CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active