Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
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okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
This was a bad idea all around
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby