Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
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Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.