birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
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*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
I have never related to anyone more.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
#MeanwhileInCanada
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
an octopus is just a wet spider
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.