I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
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government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
When I grow up, I want to be 16
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
*pokes sex life with a stick
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.