My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
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I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
i spent way too long on this
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!