Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
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My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.