Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
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BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
I’m Sold!
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine