@IamEnidColeslaw: Birds do it, bees do it, even educated fleas do it. Let's do it. Let's live in a homeless man's beard.
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@TheTweetOfGod: People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that's why.
@GrantTanaka: I've been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life's problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
@robdelaney: When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
@pplwtching: I just forgot about some nachos in the oven, don't tell me about your hopes and dreams going up in flames.