the only bumper sticker ill allow
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My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Best mom ever 😂
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures