Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
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When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
🤣🤣🤣
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
What an awful time to have common sense.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*