@krisv_723: Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it's arrests & psych evaluations.
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@CulturedRuffian: Tim Burton could've saved a lot of money on 'The Nightmare Before Christmas' and just shown a 2016 Facebook Year in Review instead.
@ReneeHooray: Playboy's decision to keep models clothed comes weeks after McDonald's decision to serve breakfast all day.
@ElgatoEsmio: My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
@xLiserx: Me: Can't. I'm exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning. Him: It's pronounced 'croissant' & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!