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[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”