Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
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I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
My dog ate my work from home.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
I’ve had relationships like this
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
consequences, the bane of my existence