@shadonium: Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
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@SheBanggs: I'm going to name my son Red so he'll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
@RuinMyWeek: Nurse: "It says here you're lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?" Me: "No. I just really, really can't stand polos with crocodiles on them."
@JohnDuffy21: Relationships are a lot like algebra.. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?