Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
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greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop