Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
You Might Also Like
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know