Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
You Might Also Like
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.