[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
You Might Also Like
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
SPLOOT
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”