I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
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A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Netflix and you sit over there.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”