Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
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Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
pat pat
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
Does beer think about me too?
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?