Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
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PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.