Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
You Might Also Like
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
wow
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]