[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
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Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
I can’t deal with men any longer
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Damn what did I do next
Who called it baking and not making love
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question