@markydoodoo: Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
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@TheRolo: [Chased by cops on foot] *Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor* *Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling's eyes* *Makes clean getaway*
@Sickayduh: CVS clerk: Receipt? Me: Sure *God uses 2 fingers to gently close the eyes of an entire rain forest*
@UncleBob56: What is it Lassie? Timmy fell down a well? Earthquake in LA? The Russians are coming? You found a plane? No? ...Oh, you want another beer.