@markydoodoo: Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
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@Dr_awfulpants: Who decided to call it an English to French dictionary and not a Two - Deux list?
@TheBoydP: Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn't that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
@StellaRtwot: Just saw a bumper sticker that said "I'd rather be tweeting." It was on a car that was flipped upside down in a ditch.
@PimpleEye: It's not that I don't like drinking, it's just I find that my aim when throwing bottles in your face is allot more accurate when I'm sober.