Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
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You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
B
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.