BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
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This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Banking tips
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
When you’re Kinky but poor
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.