BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
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What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE