Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
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i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Canadian owl: Eh?
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK