Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
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is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
The funk soul brother