Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
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My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
the official breakfast of 2021
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.