friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
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thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Discuss
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest