@trojansauce: *bites into tuba sandwich and breaks teeth* damn autocorrect
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@shawnries: Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
@jbryantiii: As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
@KenJennings: You guys, The Hobbit is a straight-up ripoff of my unreleased 3-hour experimental film "Helicopter Shots of People Walking."
@DanMentos: [first date] me: they know me here date: *reading sign on wall* "No Puppetry"? me (proudly): I'm the reason they have that