@trojansauce: *bites into tuba sandwich and breaks teeth* damn autocorrect
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@BucMarvin: It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I'm home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter. Let's pray for her.
@KattsDogma: "I'm sorry I named my daughter 'Paige.' It seemed funny at the time." - a confession of Nat Turner
@NYC_Blonde: By the power vested in me by this vintage merlot, I now pronounce us husband and wife. I may now kiss the bottle.
@NickBossRoss: You legally aren't married until someone says, "haha but seriously" in their wedding speech.