*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
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The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
This is true.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.