*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
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If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Festive toon…
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
me logging onto twitter
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in