*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
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The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
this is uni
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?