*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
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Me when I wear 4 inch heels
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…