“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
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The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
When I said I liked it rough.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.