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@mrtruthandsoul: "Bjärk! Bjärk!"
@buttnight: I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I'm heartbroken
@Anyalachae7: Just bought a medical alert bracelet that says "probably just shitfaced."
@avaricious1: How come the only people who can open childproof lids are children? My nephew charges me two vicodin just to open the bottle.
CRONUS: Yes- I'll have the bucket of popcorn children
Intercom: *crackling* Popcorn chicken, sir?
CRONUS: omg what did I say
@Cheeseboy22: Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.