Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
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I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Morning.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.