@Scorpio1080: Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
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@BackrowSeats: Remember that someone out there is thinking of you right now, figuring out how to make your death look like an accident.
@Brianhopecomedy: My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it's not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby's ankle.
@UncleDuke1969: If I had a time machine, I'd go back & mess with myself. I'd delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.