@Scorpio1080: Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
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@KeetPotato: [ordering cake over phone] "and what would you like the cake to say?" [covers phone to ask wife] "do we want a talking cake?"
@aecide: Saw my neighbor in a peeing contest with his dog on his porch. My mum said there'd be days like this but she never said there'd be so many.
@JCWisdomNuggets: I carry two crickets around in a small box so when I say something that isn't funny I can supply my own sound effects. They get real tired.