Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
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I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Weighing up my bread heating options
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.