Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
You Might Also Like
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.