@GrantTanaka: black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
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@ThaJawn: Phill: *gets stung by a stingray Me: *pees on his wound Phill: That only works on jellyfish stings Me: Oh shit, I thought you were dead!
@itsboyschapter: you never gotta worry about me cheating on you... i might eat something that was yours but thats about it
@RealSudoNim: One of life's great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say "Great minds think alike".
@Quartzjixler: Me: A coworker called me 'Papa Hemingway' today. Her: Because of your beard? Me: Well it wasn't because of my Nobel in Literature.