@GrantTanaka: black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
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@philEfanaddict: The first thing they teach you in AA is to stop hanging around other alcoholics. So I listened, and never went back.
@JimmerThatisAll: If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
@ShutUpThatsWho: [son falls over & hurts himself] ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC WIFE: don't you mean TLC? ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?