black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
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My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Meme Monday.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs