black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
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Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]