Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
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DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
all toddlers look the same when telling a story