Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
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Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.