After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
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I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
live, laugh, laundry.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.