Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
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Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
huge if true: the moon