Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
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My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Need this in my life lol
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member