Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
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Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
drew a comic about my origin story
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
I am having an out of money experience.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*