[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
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Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
What if the weather talks about us?
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
barbara was highly relatable
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right