@jwoodham: Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
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@doktorj: "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo."
@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: Do the dishes Me: Can't. Holding the baby Wife: Take out the trash Me: Can't. Baby Wife: Change the baby Me: Can't. Doing dishes.
@curlymalloy: My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex... Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???... No!!!