Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
You Might Also Like
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
not seeing the problem
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Great game to play with friends
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.