@jwoodham: Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
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@lisaandtots: Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?! 900 of you don't read my shit.
@Carbosly: When I leave a plane, I tighten the belts before I leave so that whoever sits there next will think "wow, whoever sat here was very thin".
@primawesome: The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I've decided to get stronger.
@edfoxcomedy: 1) Bake cake. 2) Don't cut it into pieces. 3) Eat the whole thing. 4) Claim I ate "only one piece of cake."