I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
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Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
That eye roll….
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”